I couldn’t sleep last night. It’s 6 in the morning. I have work soon but something on my mind has just been keeping me up so it’s better for me to just put it down here and leave it instead of bringing it to the E.R. 

Do you ever feel like no one cares? Not in the emo sense of “oh i have no friends, no one cares about me waahhhhh”. But in a more genuine, no one really cares kind of way. And it’s true. For the most part, no one really cares about your problems, my problems. Friends do their part in showing concern, but I promise you they won’t lose a minute of sleep over your problems, or my problems. The same applies to me about other people’s problems unless they’re a girlfriend, family member, or person who is of equivalent standing of those previously listed. 

I’ve been struggling with my walk. I’ve been trying to get right with God but everytime things start feeling right and I start building a habit, something has to go wrong. I don’t know if it’s to keep me from focusing on God or if it’s some test he’s putting me through. But half of me.. just doesn’t care. I’m not trying to prove some point or be some rebellious Christian. I just don’t have a desire for some reason. I believe yet I don’t act. I wake up Sunday morning and I’m just like… i don’t want to go. I don’t want to sit through a sermon that will make me bored and put me back half to sleep. Is it possible to truly believe and yet not feel a sense of care? I suppose for someone from an outside perspective to understand my feeling, it would be equivalent to hearing and believing that the Haiti earthquake occurred, yet not really caring. Horrible, but don’t act like you don’t know what I mean. It’s that sense of detachment and lack of personal relationship with God that keeps me at arms length. 

However, the other part of me wants to fight with every inch of my soul to keep chasing after God and become that man that he wants me to be. Therein lies the root of my ability to regress to the mean so easily. Two extremes that come out balance each other out to mediocrity. 

I’ve always been like this. When it’s work time, it’s 100% work. No half-assed efforts in work. But when it’s chill time, it’s 100% chill. You will never meet another lazier person during a vacation. People will want to go out on their vacation time and site see while I’ll take my sweet time just doing nothing, sipping mojitos next to the pool staring at nothing, and maybe sometimes never even leaving the bed. I suppose everyone has been told to find balance. But it’s not. It’s about the proper imbalance. Sometimes, you just have to try harder. Sometimes, you just have to put in a little imbalance of effort.

After writing this, I think a little more about my spiritual walk and it’s not cause I don’t care. It’s really cause i’m broken and I don’t know what to do about the situations that are put before me and my natural tendency is to ignore and deflect. I guess the only thing left to do its cut the effin head off the effin snake and just put a nail in that coffin on these situations and keep looking forward to what God has in store. 

I’m not even gonna look back and try to find any contradictions in this post. My brain just vomited this post up and I want to keep it in it’s original form of ups and downs. After such a restless night, I really don’t care to think about anything anymore. My brain is numb and I’m thoroughly exhausted.