Doubtful.

I’ve always tried to pinpoint events in my life where/when I have realizations that alter my decisions. And I believe that everyone knows their own flaws and the “amount” of change that they care to make for those flaws. The line between my faith and my human nature is always moving and I hate it does. I wish I could just become a robot so I don’t have to struggle with my sins and doubts but apparently that would be too easy and God wants his people to “overcome”. It’s funny how every situation can be justified without much thought required. If things don’t go the way you expect it, it is obviously that God has a different plan for you or it is due to your own fault. If it goes the way you expect it, God helped you get it.  Are God and coincidence synonymous?

The point I’m getting to is to a part of a message that I heard on Sunday. It was a comparison between sheep and goats. And to be honest, I do believe and have faith that Christ died for my sins and am repentant of my sins BUT the comparison of sheep and goats just gave me a deep realization of who and what I am. I am a “goat” in the flock of sheep. Like Randy said: in the crowd of sheep “goats may mix in and appear the same when they’re not”, “sheep are easily handled, taught, and are docile”, “goats like to climb on top of thing and high points”, “goats are stubborn and self-sufficient.”.

I feel exactly like that when I go to church 90% of the time which is exactly the reason why I don’t even want to go most of the time cause I feel like I’m faking my faith just being there. I’m not easily taught cause I question whatever I’m being fed even if it’s the word of God (i.e. the Bible) and I don’t just take it blindly even if it is seemingly “not important” like some Christians state.

And in terms of high points, my interpretation could be different cause it could be a “spiritual high point” but I want to be better than people because they are the baseline comparison point that I’m able to use. I’m not gonna lie, I’m extremely ambitious and I’m not satisfied with my current level of faith, knowledge, wealth. It’s not greed in my book because I have a goal beyond money. Money is just a means to true freedom. I just want to make enough to take care of my parents, siblings, my own future family, and never have to worry about bills or a 9-5 job so I can spend all my time with my kids, wife, God. And in order to do so, I’ll need to be hungry and ambitious for building a future. 

For the most part, I believe that you make your worldly future. If you get bad grades and you’re a sleepy slacker, you will very likely struggle to find a job. If you get great grades and work hard, you will very likely find a job and be resourceful. Am I being stubborn and self-sufficient? I thank God for giving me intelligence but the rest is my hard work. I remember I got super annoyed when someone said “oh God must’ve helped you get into medical school”. No, I freakin’ busted my ass pulling over 60 days of all nighters over the course of my undergraduate career, locked myself inside a room for a whole month cramming for mcats, went and found good research/clinical opportunities,  that’s what got me into medical school. Don’t get me wrong, at the same time, I believe God helped me but I don’t believe that it played as important of a part of it as my hard work. If so, explain it to me on how I would’ve been able to do it without my sweat and lack of sleep.