Not too bad.
I don’t know where to go from here. Career wise, I’m not too worried, it’s an indescribable feeling of feeling lost but not really at the same time. There’s times where I just want to stop thinking. I want to be able to turn off the lights at 11pm and lay down and have a clear mind and fall into a dream of nothingness.
But I can’t. I have mental baggage that drags behind me every step I take forward. I worry about people, patients, friends, myself, future, love. If you interact with me in person, I hate showing a point of weakness. I laugh it off, crack a joke, tell a story, or stay silent. But I am weak and I put up my meat shield during the day and it’s left bruised and hurt through the night and I put it back up in the morning.
The poison we read and see every day just makes us sicker and sicker. They tell us the way it should be when it isn’t. Fairy tales are lies groomed to trick us into falling into a sweet dream and waste away our lives. The sweetest deaths are those that slowly sink into your soul and mind and draw you away. Like the venus fly trap, a fly flies in and thinks it’s the best thing ever while the trap closes right on top of it. Love is commitment and understanding and compromise. The constant search for more financial stability is just a poison to keep us busy busy busy. The ideal that the world tells us is impossible when the true ideal is right infront of our eyes. It’s not to say to ignore basic needs but to not make it the center of our lives and focus. I don’t need ideal, I just need God. I still want the ideal, but what I should want is God and I pray for more change in that every day.
Life seriously punches you in the gut and tells you to stand up so it can punch you again. Rinse, repeat. The only thing that makes it bearable is God. And through my struggles, it seems so huge and overwhelming. Even in my current state, I thank God for every breath I have in me and every second that I have left. There is nothing that brings me up from the dumps than the thought of forevermore and glorifying him in what I do every day. I make severe mistakes but I just want to be better. I want to do it for him cause I wouldn’t do it for me cause I’m selfish and cocky.
I talked to my friend today and she was telling me how she had questioned her faith. And it reminded me of where I was back towards the end of college and even though she feels like she’s down in the dumps, I know greatness can come out of struggles of life and faith. God puts us in certain positions sometimes and we question it and we hate it but it’s for the greater good at times. I know that God has something awesome in store for her.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Even though I have a difficult time having faith still at times but in the end, trusting in God has never failed me and falling away has always brought me back stronger. They don’t go the way I expect or visualize them to come to be but it always works to better me. And after writing this post and reading the word a bit, I feel much better already.
Let hope rise.
