Schizophrenia

I have periodic moments of mild schizophrenia. Some days I feel like I’m on top of the world and wanna live it up. Some days I feel like I just wanna be conservative. Some days I wanna be frugal, other days I try to spend every last penny. Some days I care deeply about life some days I just wouldn’t care if everything crashed and burned.

I wish I were satisfied with habit or balance. But I dislike balance. I hate being in the middle of things. When it’s work time, I work my ass off til I can’t keep my eyes open. When it’s play time, i’ll rage like you’ve never seen. Lazy time? You’ll never see me get out of bed the whole freakin’ day. 

My only balance is God. Without God, i’d probably go off the deep-end and kill myself accidentally. It’s so hard to fit God into my lifestyle sometimes but I’m trying. I can’t let go of some of my vices cause I’m still weak but I believe in time, I can let myself go.

Simultaneously, life is so short, do you want to waste your time working and slaving away til you fall into your grave? That’s when the whole live it up part makes so much sense. What’s the point of saving up all that money and working 9-5 everyday? Not to knock those people working those jobs, but I feel like our lives and our time is worth so much more. Is our life really only worth $20-$50 an hour?? No, I believe you and I are worth so much more. Don’t do something you hate.

Our parents came from nothing to give us opportunities that they didn’t have. I don’t believe they worked so hard just so that we can do the same things they do. I’m gonna use my opportunities and make it bigger than what they imagined cause I love them so much and I believe that this is what my parents deserve for doing so much for me. Our parents didn’t bring us here to dream small and do average.

The only thing you should always be more conservative of is judging your own ability and intelligence. I believe I’m dumber and less able than the next guy so I will bust my ass til I know the other guy won’t do as much as me. So gauge your heart, gauge your capabilities and determine your path of executing your next step.  

Life journeys

What does it mean to live right now? I think everyone knows it but doesn’t speak of it but we all know that sooner or later, we will be going our separate ways. Some will go farther than others, some will stay just where they are and in both ways it’s beautiful. 

Life takes us all over the world and who knows where all of us will be? 

I remember I was talking in a group of close friends and we came to the conclusion that as long as one of us makes it, we all make it. I want to be able to share whatever I make in the future with those who’ve grown with me. What’s the point of making money if you don’t spend it and share it? If you know me, I’m pretty decent with money investment but whatever I make, I don’t horde and I just give whatever I can back to my parents and friends. 

Regardless of where I go in life, there are certain people who I can truly rely on and and all of you help drive me and I will not forget. The ones who give me the time in their day, who were there when times are hard, I want to give back to them the most. The best part is that with good friends, even after not hanging out for a few months, when we meet up, it’s like time never passed. And I wanna take all of us out on trips to whereverland. You can expect it. The weight on my shoulders beckons me to be greater than I can ever be on my own efforts. “Shoot for the sky, so if you miss you land on a cloud.” 

As for the moment, I’m gonna enjoy every moment I can with the friends I have around me. Everyday is a time to celebrate with them! I love you

My mom.

Over the course of my growing up, I’ve come to learn how much I truly admire my parents. Ive always thought that they were great and perfect but ive come to the realization of how incredibly lucky I am. I don’t remember them really fighting much and if they did, it was short lived.

I’ll start with my mom since she’s the one I feel like I’m the most like. She cooks for me all the time and always asks which days I’ll be home so she can cook my favorite foods. I told her i loved her fried rice so she made it every day until i said my favorite food was dan dan mien and then she made that everyday until I said that my favorite food was za ja mien (blackbean noodles, since my ping ying freakin sucks balls), and so on and so forth to this day. I wake up and she makes me a fruit and vegi shake and says “lunch is on the table, don’t wake up too late cause it’ll get cold” (this is at like 1 pm btw, since she knows i work the night shift and dont get to sleep much).

She then goes to run errands and some how she always buys stuff with me in mind whether it’s food or clothes that i might not wear to asking me what I want for dinner over the next week so she can prep the materials for it. She comes in and asks me how I’m doing most mornings as well and I’m usually too groggy to conversate but I manage occasionally.

There were times in my life when I was rebellious and snuck out of the house and got into trouble whereever and whenever possible. I remember one night I snuck back in through my window and walked past her room to see if she was asleep and I found her kneeling at her bedside and I asked her what she was doing and she told me that she was praying for me to be safe. She said she didnt want me climbing around onto the roof in the middle of the night in case I fell, and even insisted that I use the front door if I needed to go out. I never snuck out of the house since that day.

I dont know how to thank her for what she’s done for me. All I want is to make her life as easy as possible and to give her evreything that she could possibly want. But the thing that makes her the happiest is chocolate even though she barely eats it. I bought her a box of godiva with my first paycheck a few years ago and she smiled so big and was so happy even though it was such a small token of appreciation and ended up eating only one or two from the box since she wanted to cherish it (I’m assuming it’s still in the pantry somewhere, disgusting I know).

There were tough times when I couldn’t sleep due to stress from work and I practically bing drank myself to sleep every night for a couple months. She found bottles upon bottles of wine and liquor under my bed and begged me to stop and just pray for rest instead of self inducing it. I havent really had any desire to drink anymore since I started praying before sleeping although it still is difficult from time to time. She found my cigarettes in my car and she calmly discussed my problem with me and although I continually struggle with it, I know that she prays for me every day to stop and I’m on the road to cutting the habit. The worst part is, she feels like she’s responsible for these problems while I know that I chose to pick up the habits out of rebelliousness and ignorance to better judgement. My family gave me no reason to smoke or drink heavily, there was no family drama that created it. It was cause I found life to be boring and drug/liquor seemed to be the only way to make it more fun or at least dull it out to make it go by quicker.

She knows me better than most to the point where she knows that I lie but she acts like she doesn’t. Just to see if I will have a change of heart on the matter and I usually do in retrospecting the situations.

My mom always sees the best in me even if I give her every reason not to. And because of her, I strive now to be as great as she can see me to be. I do it for myself, and when I can’t, I do it for her.

There is no one else on earth that I can appreciate more than my mom and dad. I love them both the same but there’s a connection that I have with my mom that is something beautiful and only God given that I can’t attribute it to anything but divine protection. I can only pray that I’ll have at least a part of her in me that allows me to love others even a 10th of how much she loves me.

Through my mom I can see God’s love and devotion to me.

Replaceability

I have a pretty screwed up sense of viewing friendships and relationships. Is it wrong to see people as replaceable? Not in the sense of “oh I’m better than you”, but more along the thought process of upgrading. For example, in terms of items, there is always something that is better, faster, better looking, more user friendly, more convenient, more interesting. In the realm of friendships and relationships, is it not similar? Maybe I’m being distant and viewing it as some emotionless being. 

Logically it makes sense but yet as stupid human beings we are illogical and build bridges that may be sinking us down. I liked this quote that I read recently and it stated “I’ll burn the bridges behind me to light the path ahead”. It sounds pretty brutal and heartless but is there a necessity for relationships that just hold you back and keep you limited in a cycle? Another example, friends that drink any free time that they have and view it as one of the critical ways that they celebrate or have fun. It entraps you because if those are the people you hang with, you are destined to have a similar lifestyle as a fault of relation. To be honest, I haven’t hung out with those friends in months and as a result I haven’t had a real drink in a long time and it makes my body feel great. 

Time is precious which is why I want to improve as quickly as possible and weeding out the fat in my life is critical. All people subconsciously have the same mechanisms in their head when there are certain people that they dont “click” with they automatically omit their existence in order to maintain their agenda or comfort level. I just prefer to be a bit more straight forward with myself about it. I don’t like to sleep cause I hate spending time unconscious and feel like it’s such a waste. Even if i’m tired ill push it til I go to bed out of complete exhaustion even though it’s probably not the smartest thing to do. But I feel like my quality of life is pretty high. I prefer quality over quantity of life. I remember I told some friends that if I lived til i was 50 years old, I would be happy if I could accomplish my goals and lived a respectable Godly life simultaneously. All of them say “omg will, don’t say that, 50 is so young” but I would really prefer to do that than live til 90 suffering and not accomplishing much and living a conservative life. The conservative lifestyle is really not my style at all and I’m pretty calculatedly reckless (if that makes any sense). I’m not trying to talk big cause it’s a negative thing to be so prideful and ambitious but it’s me and how can I deny my own self?

But regardless of what I say, there’s a part of me that wants to prove myself and this thought process wrong. I love my friends but I can’t help to think into the future and wonder if they’ll be there then cause there’ve been so many friends who have been grown out of already in just the past 10 years. It would much easier to just get to the future as fast as possible and deal with it when I arrive, which is why I grind so damn hard. But who knows how much I’ll change in that process. Does your worldly success have to change who you are spiritually? I pray it doesn’t. 

Doubtful.

I’ve always tried to pinpoint events in my life where/when I have realizations that alter my decisions. And I believe that everyone knows their own flaws and the “amount” of change that they care to make for those flaws. The line between my faith and my human nature is always moving and I hate it does. I wish I could just become a robot so I don’t have to struggle with my sins and doubts but apparently that would be too easy and God wants his people to “overcome”. It’s funny how every situation can be justified without much thought required. If things don’t go the way you expect it, it is obviously that God has a different plan for you or it is due to your own fault. If it goes the way you expect it, God helped you get it.  Are God and coincidence synonymous?

The point I’m getting to is to a part of a message that I heard on Sunday. It was a comparison between sheep and goats. And to be honest, I do believe and have faith that Christ died for my sins and am repentant of my sins BUT the comparison of sheep and goats just gave me a deep realization of who and what I am. I am a “goat” in the flock of sheep. Like Randy said: in the crowd of sheep “goats may mix in and appear the same when they’re not”, “sheep are easily handled, taught, and are docile”, “goats like to climb on top of thing and high points”, “goats are stubborn and self-sufficient.”.

I feel exactly like that when I go to church 90% of the time which is exactly the reason why I don’t even want to go most of the time cause I feel like I’m faking my faith just being there. I’m not easily taught cause I question whatever I’m being fed even if it’s the word of God (i.e. the Bible) and I don’t just take it blindly even if it is seemingly “not important” like some Christians state.

And in terms of high points, my interpretation could be different cause it could be a “spiritual high point” but I want to be better than people because they are the baseline comparison point that I’m able to use. I’m not gonna lie, I’m extremely ambitious and I’m not satisfied with my current level of faith, knowledge, wealth. It’s not greed in my book because I have a goal beyond money. Money is just a means to true freedom. I just want to make enough to take care of my parents, siblings, my own future family, and never have to worry about bills or a 9-5 job so I can spend all my time with my kids, wife, God. And in order to do so, I’ll need to be hungry and ambitious for building a future. 

For the most part, I believe that you make your worldly future. If you get bad grades and you’re a sleepy slacker, you will very likely struggle to find a job. If you get great grades and work hard, you will very likely find a job and be resourceful. Am I being stubborn and self-sufficient? I thank God for giving me intelligence but the rest is my hard work. I remember I got super annoyed when someone said “oh God must’ve helped you get into medical school”. No, I freakin’ busted my ass pulling over 60 days of all nighters over the course of my undergraduate career, locked myself inside a room for a whole month cramming for mcats, went and found good research/clinical opportunities,  that’s what got me into medical school. Don’t get me wrong, at the same time, I believe God helped me but I don’t believe that it played as important of a part of it as my hard work. If so, explain it to me on how I would’ve been able to do it without my sweat and lack of sleep. 

Middle class importance

The U.S. economy is in dire trouble. Everyday I read the news and look around, all I see is a growing disparity between the economic health of the day prior. There is no repair in sight. I honestly will take the next ticket out of here as soon as I can to avoid the true crash of the American economy.

The best way to see the American economy is to view it as a factory where there are 3 types of machines, the upper class machine, middle class machine, and lower class machine. Each machine has a production level and a cost. It is such a messed up system that it is pretty much guaranteed to fail in the future. For example, the middle class is the cash cow. They provide the economy with a majority of it’s taxes, work the best jobs, receive the fewest benefits, spend the most, and has the lowest incidence of crime. This is all while the low-income receive seemingly unlimited welfare, foodstamps, medicare, unemployment insurance, highest crime rate and devaluation of property, and in california they can even get their utilities paid for on a regular basis. The upper class is just a sitting duck of savings and expansion of business to provide jobs for the people down below. They earn a ton, pay some taxes, overall, they don’t do much since the true upper class has enough money to pay people do it for them. These are all generalizations btw. 

The problem with this model is that the factory that holds all these machines needs to take care of all 3 but at the moment only takes care of 2. The factory owner only takes care of the upper and lower class machines while the actual machine that makes them the most money is neglected. The problem with this is that without caring for the middle class, a large portion of them drip into the lower class. This causes a growing disparity of the disappearance of a middle class. In the end, there will be less income for the factory but increasing costs for the lower class because it grows in an almost guaranteed fashion. This is inevitable with our current economic model or at least that is what I believe. The taxes levied on the middle class are the only ones that grow and are truly enforced. The IRS audits the middle class (25k-200k) the most often and the fastest (I should cite my source but just look it up yourself on google). The IRS beats up the middle class because they actually have assets to lose and are the best “bang for the buck” when they are hit. On the other hand, the lower class has little to no assets to lose and thereby are overlooked for the most part. 

Unless the U.S. decides to stop playing nice and make some rapid chances to the economy’s infrastructure and focus, it will fail. I’m all about helping the poor but this “help” is stifling and mass cuts of funding will not change anything. The country must try to utilize it’s people and assets are efficiently as possible to survive and sadly, it must either trim the fat and run lean or it will not survive in the world market and changing times. The only way to change it is to remove unnecessary red tape and give more power, security, and benefits to those who actually work for the country, the middle class. 

Not too bad.

I don’t know where to go from here. Career wise, I’m not too worried, it’s an indescribable feeling of feeling lost but not really at the same time. There’s times where I just want to stop thinking. I want to be able to turn off the lights at 11pm and lay down and have a clear mind and fall into a dream of nothingness. 

But I can’t. I have mental baggage that drags behind me every step I take forward. I worry about people, patients, friends, myself, future, love. If you interact with me in person, I hate showing a point of weakness. I laugh it off, crack a joke, tell a story, or stay silent. But I am weak and I put up my meat shield during the day and it’s left bruised and hurt through the night and I put it back up in the morning.

The poison we read and see every day just makes us sicker and sicker. They tell us the way it should be when it isn’t. Fairy tales are lies groomed to trick us into falling into a sweet dream and waste away our lives. The sweetest deaths are those that slowly sink into your soul and mind and draw you away. Like the venus fly trap, a fly flies in and thinks it’s the best thing ever while the trap closes right on top of it. Love is commitment and understanding and compromise. The constant search for more financial stability is just a poison to keep us busy busy busy. The ideal that the world tells us is impossible when the true ideal is right infront of our eyes. It’s not to say to ignore basic needs but to not make it the center of our lives and focus. I don’t need ideal, I just need God. I still want the ideal, but what I should want is God and I pray for more change in that every day.

Life seriously punches you in the gut and tells you to stand up so it can punch you again. Rinse, repeat. The only thing that makes it bearable is God. And through my struggles, it seems so huge and overwhelming. Even in my current state, I thank God for every breath I have in me and every second that I have left. There is nothing that brings me up from the dumps than the thought of forevermore and glorifying him in what I do every day. I make severe mistakes but I just want to be better. I want to do it for him cause I wouldn’t do it for me cause I’m selfish and cocky. 

I talked to my friend today and she was telling me how she had questioned her faith. And it reminded me of where I was back towards the end of college and even though she feels like she’s down in the dumps, I know greatness can come out of struggles of life and faith. God puts us in certain positions sometimes and we question it and we hate it but it’s for the greater good at times. I know that God has something awesome in store for her. 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Even though I have a difficult time having faith still at times but in the end, trusting in God has never failed me and falling away has always brought me back stronger. They don’t go the way I expect or visualize them to come to be but it always works to better me. And after writing this post and reading the word a bit, I feel much better already.

Let hope rise. 

Dreams.

So I’ve always been one to be the voice of reason and speak against bloated dreams. By bloated dreams, I mean those dreams that have little chance of success and also that satisfy a one dimensional selfish goal. I feel like it gives a sense of false entitlement to a generation that lacks efficiency and hard-work already.

However, I still believe dreams and goals that are placed in the right light and that are logically sound and reasonable should be pursued. Every dream has it’s inherent risks and your duty as the dream-writer is to minimize that as much as possible; To give yourself the best running start as possible. 

I’ve been working on a business proposal on the side recently. I haven’t really shared it to most people because it is just an idea and there’s no point in bragging or discussing it until it’s in production or later. In the course of this time, I’ve learned so much about myself and even more about the amount of time and work required to start a business. Dare I even speak about the work required because I’m sure i’m on the very edge of the edge of the iceberg, but I can see a glimpse of it and it’s a scary monster the amount of time and work that will be needed to build this thing from the ground up.

Simultaneously I am excited and cannot wait to jump headfirst into this endeavor. I love the challenges of it, I love the planning and the dreaming. I with so much of my heart want this to work and a lot of times I need to remind myself of the reality of life and how this is just an idea and nothing more. I keep myself tethered to reality by looking at the amount of work infront of me and it shocks me enough to bring me back to earth and takes my head out of the clouds of dreaming. 

Some things to remind myself:

1.) Stay humble and trust and remember God always.

2.) Surround yourself with those that you can learn from. You can only be as successful as those you associate with.

3.) Stay hungry and diligent.

4.) Absorb all the knowledge around you and learn as you go. Adapt to the changes in infrastructure and technology.

5.) Don’t let others discourage you. Let it present a challenge to you.

I’m glad I’ve learned so much just from writing the business plan. The biggest lesson I’ve learned is to not chase money but to strive for something bigger. To build something that impacts those around you and that can stretch out and touch lives on a regular basis. I want to create something that people connect with and feel a part of regardless of monetary compensation. That is what my dream is. It’s a faraway thing but I believe I can do it.  I’ll keep things posted as the idea develops and grows. 

Vegas

So this past trip has been a pretty epic trip. I must say that it was very toned down in terms of the drinking-dancing but very much toned up interm of actually gambling. I never play alone so this time some friends were down to play so i just stayed on the tables with them. It was probably one of the most exciting trips ever. 

There are several rules you should follow before going to vegas unless you have sufficient self control. I know myself and I’m a big risk taker so I never bring Cards with me other than my ID just incase. I know I wouldn’t dip into it but I never bring it as a further precaution.

1.) Bring only a set amount of $$$.

Do not chase the money. When you get greedy and dip into more than what you allocated in the first place, you have a problem. This is where simple playing for fun turns into sin. To covet money is the single most painful part of gambling for most.

2.) Never gamble alone

3.) Don’t play to make money.

Play with the expectation of losing it. If you win, it’s a bonus, if you lose, it’s not a surprise and you’re actually doing what you’re supposed to be doing.

4.) Set a lose limit and a win limit.

My mistake. To be honest, I won about $2200 at my peak and lost a lot of it due to continuing to play. 

5.) Don’t let girls watch you play. 

We lost a lot in the end due to them.

Each of these rules is critical. Maybe not the 5th entirely lol but I just threw that in because it’s just not a good responsible thing for others to see because they do not know how much you are up or how much you brought nor your personal train of thought. I remember I was at the table and put all my winnings on black (roulette) and I won it and I saw my friend’s eyes just explode. People automatically assume you are addicted or have a problem with it. I played with only my winnings because in essence, it wasn’t my money to begin with and it was definitely big money.

My mom always told me that money won gambling is dirty money. It’s not clean hard earned money. It is won from the losses of others of those who have a problem with their addiction to easy money and their greed. After this trip, I really do understand the lure. I always just gave my mom whatever I won or spent it buying things for other people. So why play then? Like anything truly fun, you don’t play to earn anything, you play for the excitement. The rush of the unknown is why people play. To be to win, not just for the money but for a group of guys to win together and lose together. It really is just fun.

Lots of people will be quick to judge and say “oh you shouldn’t play at all”. But they can go jump off a cliff. Moderation is key and I will be re-reading this post before my next trip. 

My lesson learned after this trip? To spend it on others and set a secure win-limit. In the end? I walked home with whatever I brought + couple hundred. I paid for my good friend+sister’s dinner and bought lunch for everyone the day we left along with covering another friend’s losses. Successful trip indeed. 

Tangential

Intrinsic value versus Subjective value. 

What are these values? Intrinsic value is the most basic view of value, tallying up costs in production, shipping, etc; It is one theory of value. The other type of value system is the subjective value system. This system basis it’s theory on scarcity/supply&demand. It is summarized by how rare and how desired something is. 

Something ingrained in our human nature compels us to keep climbing to greater heights, to seek a new level. We are never satisfied with our current state. As a Christian, this is true as well. The only time you really feel satisfied with life is when you’re close with God and realizing what eternity truly is. 

But why do we covet what others have? Why do we see something shiny and just want it like moths to a blue flame? I was contemplating getting a new car cause i’ve been working for a while now and saved up some to put a downpayment on a nice car. I was at the bmw dealership looking at the M3 which is probably one of the sexiest cars that bmw has ever created. at about 65k-75k, it’s probably not the best bang for the buck car to get in that price range. I wanted it so bad not because of anything other than the physical appeal. I try to justify every stupid purchase I make. I buy apple for their convenience and design so I’m willing to pay extra for less specs. (In the end, everyone knows that no top end mac right now can even compete with a top end PC). I’ve been using mac for the past 5 years and it is a fact. The top end pc will be cheaper and significantly faster than the top end mac for a variety of reasons; but this isn’t a tech debate so I won’t be going into those reasons. The bottom line is that through our human nature, we choose to go for things that are seemingly more rare and hard to find not because we actually care about those things but because something is broken in us that makes us want to be better than those around us. Isn’t that what ruined us in the Garden of Eden? To covet more than we are given. People pray for wealth but God does not answer, why? If given more wealth would you stay close to God? God gives you what you can handle. Be ready to be tested. 

There is no prosperity gospel. God wants us to live humble lives where we do not seek the pleasures and satisfactions of this world. Be satisfied with his eternal glory and what you have.